The Job Hunt

Has it really been a month since I’ve posted?!  It’s Sunday afternoon.  The in-laws have left after being here for 5 days.  I haven’t been sleeping because of JOB STRESS.  The job I’ve been at for over 18 years is in jeopardy of closing soon..  many have been laid off or have left to go to work for competition.  I’ve interviewed with a competitor and have another interview on the horizon with a local college.  It’s been major stress.

I’ve not been very fun to be around.  Hell, I don’t even want to be around me.  Now THAT’S BAD eh?!

I’m watching the movie “It’s Complicated” for like the millionth time..  always helps the blues a bit.  THAT and a bit of chocolate birthday cake!   My husband’s birthday is Tuesday and we celebrated last night while his family was still in town.

Anyhoo…  that’s basically my update for now.  Hopefully I’ll have more exciting and upbeat posts in the near future!!!  Wish me luck on the job hunt!

Much love,

BS

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Wanting What Is

You are awakened by the dog at 4:45am.  You didn’t want to get up until 7:30am.

Your computer at work crashes – has a nasty virus that can’t be removed.  System will have to be completely reformatted.

You are a sales representative at a software firm.  You never wanted to be in sales.

You are on the way to the beach.  It’s raining.

You want to work out tonight.  You hit your knee and it’s too sore to even walk on, much less workout on.  Now you fear getting fat.

You owe money on your house.  You wish it were paid off.

Your co-worker is negative, complains about most everything, couldn’t see the bright spot in something if it hit her in the face.  You wish she were positive, happy, ate right, did The Work of Byron Katie, wouldn’t freak out over small things.  You realize, you are just like her.

So how to not only WANT what IS but LOVE IT?  as Byron Katie so often speaks about.  I really don’t know.  She seems to live on a totally different planet than I do.  Sees the world completely different.  Sees no problems.   Eckhart Tolle and other teachers seem to have ‘seen the light’ as well – experienced a shift in consciousness..  Some call it Awakening.  Others Enlightenment.  Some people, who have never heard of either term, just seem to truly Love What Is, without much effort at all…  without much resistance to Life.  They are truly amazing human beings.  Beings who by choice or chance, have found the ability to rise above what most ordinary people would call ‘this world’ or Life.  A totally new perspective.

At times, I wonder if there is something wrong with me..  that I can not SEE what they see – experience what they experience – understand what they understand.  I’d like to see the belief that ‘something must be wrong with me’ as a false belief.  Not true.  Insane even!  But it is still there..  underlying everything.

Is suffering, even the ‘simple’ suffering (i.e. spilling coffee on white pants) optional?  or is it necessary for growth, for awakening?  or both?

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Putting people on pedestals and the pain in that..

I was doing The Work of Byron Katie today on my brother and had no idea how high of a pedestal I had him on and how much pain that is causing within me. Who can live up to those sorts of expectations?! Poor guy. I spent the weekend with family and noticed how uncomfortable and tense I was around him and had no idea what was going on in my head around that. That’s why I love The Work so much.. it takes me to the areas that really need attention and healing.

My time with him brought up all sorts of things.. how I compared myself to him growing up and how I never felt good enough. He was older, smarter, funnier, more popular,bigger, strong, more able. And at 40 years old I still feel inferior to him.  Sounds crazy doesn’t it?!  It’s because it really is.

I had no idea I still held those ideas about him.

So the general unquestioned belief I seem to have about most things is “I’m not good enough”.

The other regular belief that seems to run rampant is “there is something seriously wrong with me”..

Is that true?

So I’m running those concepts and more through The Work and see what comes out on the other end.  Hopefully more kindness and love.

No one is ever THAT good OR THAT bad it seems.  And tip too far to either side and it just seems like either concept causes undue suffering really.

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A fresh new start

I’ve been in the mood for fresh starts. Refreshing and updating this blog is among a few new fresh starts of late. My launch into the world of blogging began a little over three years ago when I created a blog called “Recovering Wino” when my drinking had gotten WAY out of control. It was a bumpy ride there for a while. I got started in recovery with a twelve step program and although I’m not active there anymore, I am still grateful for the sober path that began all those months ago.

The transformation of this particular human being since then astonishes me still to this day. At one point in recovery I experienced what I only know to call a significant change or shift in consciousness. It’s hard to explain and wasn’t an earth shattering event or awakening of the sort that I’ve heard of from others but something just sort of shifted. Life looked different. Everything looked more clear. I began to care about things I had never cared about – clouds, trees, children, birds, the Universe, and so forth. I was AWAKE to Life around me in a way I’d not experienced before.

I hope to share more about what has helped me most along the way. I am not any sort of spiritual guru or confident in any solid belief of any kind in terms of God or spirituality. I heard the name Bumbling Sage on a retreat with a beautiful lady named Pamela Wilson late last year and I began using that name for this blog soon after that retreat. I’ve never felt quite sure of the name – mostly because I just feel no identification to that name at all. For that exact reason, I’ve kept the name. Sounds funny perhaps but I just can’t get rid of it for some reason.

I love love love The Work of Byron Katie, learning about all things spiritual for whatever reason and for better or worse. I listen to Eckhart Tolle, Francis Lucille, Adyashanti and enjoy reading J Krishnamurti books. Also I enjoy reading Nisargadatta Maharaj and Joel Goldsmith. Something resonates somewhere inside of me when I hear or read them but if you asked me to explain any of it, I could not and don’t know why.

So, other than that.. I’ve been working out at the gym with a new program and trying to eat healthier. My job is VERY uncertain and I have never been sooo in the midst of the unknown in terms of what is about to happen financially or with the job. Who knows! I’ve let it go of the worry for now in that regard and am trying to save a bit and spend wisely until something becomes clear.

So there! A fresh start. Here’s to new beginnings.

All my love,
BS

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